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askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-21 05:59 pmA reader writes:
I know this is extremely low stakes, but I can’t express enough how aggravating and annoying this is. I work in an office with several cube clusters. We have an awesome working environment. No one is “friends” but we are “friendly.” There are literally none of the problems I read about on your site, and when there was once a bullying incident, my bosses dealt with it very decisively, swiftly, and to the total satisfaction of the bullied party.
My neighboring cube dweller is a popular person and people cluster in her cube all day to talk shop, as well as gossip. This does not bother me. I don’t care what they gossip about, because it’s their own personal lives and it’s not too intimate, gross, or graphic – it’s low stakes stuff like “My stepdaughter is begging her dad for $200 jeans and he gave in! I just don’t understand how he thinks that’s helping her transition to the real world. But I don’t feel like my opinion is wanted or will do any good. It’s just hard to see him deal with it.” Everyone nods appropriately and responds like they read a lot of Captain Awkward. It’s all good.
However, a few times a day (and it feels like it’s increased lately, which I think is why it’s driving me nuts) someone (or a couple of someones) comes over and they WHISPER. I cannot make out a thing they are saying, nor do I particularly want to. I’m a thoroughly non-curious person. I do not think they are talking shit about me – and although I don’t know for certain, I also do not suspect they are razzing on anyone else at work either. It’s just… not that kind of environment. They may possibly be discussing gross, graphic, or intimate things (which is fine – especially as they are keeping it to a volume only they can hear!) or they may be talking about a particularly annoying / needy client. We work in the kind of industry where it’s typical to be excessively frustrated with clients from time to time, so I don’t care about that either – and it seems respectful to me to keep it to just one person and not broadcasting about how much a particular client sucks to the whole office at large.
It’s the actual WHISPERING itself that is making me bonkers!
Do you have any idea how annoying it is to listen to people chatting that is audible enough you know they are talking, but not loud enough to actually hear? For me it is supremely aggravating. This may be because I somehow have it engrained in me that whispering like this (in front of others) is rude AF, and something to definitely not be done. Ever. Unless it’s something like a quick “your fly is down” for the sake of discretion, but not whole ass conversations! This goes on for 2-3 minutes at a time (that doesn’t sound long – but trust me, it is).
I can’t figure out if there is anything I can say to let them know “hey, either lower the volume even MORE, or knock that off because you’re being annoying as all get out” and not sound like a Petty Betty nosy control freak. How does one say such a thing and not sound like they are all pouty about not being included? (I don’t care about that – I care about the literal sound aggravation.) I mean here they are trying their best to keep personal business personal, and that’s not even good enough for me. (I don’t even think I have particularly great hearing either — but I do wonder if maybe my diagnosed massive ADHD that is roughly … 80-85% managed may be playing a part in this?) I cannot wear headphones, and moving will not help matters. Plus my seat is awesome. I’m pretty sure there is nothing I can say that sounds reasonable, is there? Thank you for any suggestions you can provide!
Yeah, whispering can be far more distracting than a normal conversation in the same vicinity would be. There’s something about whispering that our ears pick up on more and it’s harder to tune out than regular conversations are. Plus, on some level it can stir up anxiety or feelings of exclusion (even if you don’t rationally think that), and I suspect it adds an increased cognitive load on our brains too, because it’s not the typical background noise that our ears are used to tuning out.
Ironically, your coworkers are almost certainly trying to be polite and keep from distracting you — while doing exactly the thing they’re trying to avoid!
The good news is, there’s room to speak up. I think it’s tough to find polite wording to do it in the moment while it’s happening, but what about talking to the coworker who sits by you who gets all the visitors in a moment where it’s not happening? You could say something like, “When people come by your desk to talk, I know you’re trying to be considerate by whispering, but my brain finds it harder to tune out than a regular conversation. This might be weird, but can I ask you to avoid whispering because of the distraction? It’s so much easier to tune out low voices.”
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askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-21 04:29 pmA reader writes:
I am a partner at a small (15-person) organization that has transitioned to remote work relatively easily. But, like lots of companies, one of our challenges has been finding ways to make employees feel appreciated and connected while we’re physically apart. We’ve tried a variety of things, including virtual happy hours, extra time off, early bonuses, small fun gifts, gift cards, and funds for happy hour supplies or a meal out. While a handful of employees say thank you every time, more than half never even acknowledge either the bonuses or the gifts.
I enjoy working with this group and feel that we generally have a very friendly office and enjoy each other’s company, but this drives me nuts. My internal monologue keeps saying, “A simple thank you would be nice,” even just occasionally.
For context, the senior team is three people who are late 40’s, early 50s and the rest of the team is younger, but are all experienced professionals. Is this a generational thing? I think calling people out on this would probably backfire, but the longer it goes on the harder it is not to hold a grudge.
I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.
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askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-21 02:59 pmA reader writes:
Got this message on LinkedIn and am curious what your thoughts are on folks using LinkedIn this way:
“Hi [NAME],
I came across your profile and was impressed by your achievements at [COMPANY]. You struck me as someone who has a lot going for yourself. Does finding a partner who matches your energy ever feel challenging?
My work is introducing remarkable singles like you to people in their wheelhouse. The best part — we are not a dating app! Our process is personal and well-suited for those seeking a meaningful connection.
If you’re single and open to the idea, let’s chat. And if this doesn’t apply to you, feel free to pass it along to someone it might resonate with — no hard feelings!
Talk soon,
[NAME]”This is ridiculous, right? Is this some new thing cropping up on LinkedIn, or just one rogue person?
Eeew.
LinkedIn is (supposed to be) a business networking site. You’re not there to date or to be approached by a matchmaking service.
I suppose I can see the argument that they’re just offering you a service like a lot of other approaches on LinkedIn do — but you’ve got to consider it against a cultural background where many, many women are fed up with being hit on or assessed as a potential date while they’re working. And here it is again, in yet another work-oriented space.
And I love the “no hard feelings if you’re not interested” as if you should contemplate even for a moment feeling bad about that.
I’m curious if this might even violate LinkedIn’s terms of service, which say: “Do not engage in sexual innuendos or unwanted advances. We don’t allow unwanted expressions of attraction, desire, requests for romantic relationship, marriage proposals, sexual advances or innuendo, or lewd remarks. LinkedIn is a professional networking platform, not a dating site. Do not use LinkedIn to pursue romantic connections, ask for romantic dates, or provide sexual commentary on someone’s appearance or perceived attractiveness. Do not send unwanted advances in messages, posts, or comments or send sexually explicit images to anyone on the platform.” … And also, “We don’t allow untargeted, irrelevant, obviously unwanted, unauthorized, in appropriately commercial or promotional, or gratuitously repetitive messages or similar content. Do not use our invitation feature to send promotional messages to people you don’t know or to otherwise spam people.”
But in any case, no, it’s not new. There have always been people who (inappropriately) try to use LinkedIn to hit on other users; this is just a third party getting in the mix. In fact, way back in 2014, I wrote about an even grosser dating app that would sync to the user’s LinkedIn account and let you filter by gender, age, distance, industry, and school so you could find people to hit on. It was inappropriate then, and it’s inappropriate now.
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dinosaur_comics_feed) wrote2025-07-21 12:00 am| archive - contact - sexy exciting merchandise - search - about |
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July 21st, 2025: I'm in LA today to see the premiere of the Fantastic Four movie! It is my first and probably last time on a red carpet, so be sure to look for a lot of photographers saying "uh who's this guy" as I strut out!! – Ryan | ||
askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-21 04:03 amIt’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. How to coach an employee to stop name-dropping
I manage a small team of five people. We are a very busy team, but I have had the great fortune to end up with people who are friendly, easygoing, and hard-working. None of us take ourselves too seriously, which is critical for surviving the work we do.
One of my staff members recently went on maternity leave, and another employee in the organization came over on assignment (let’s call her Jane). Jane briefly worked with our group a few years ago, for about a year, and then moved on to a different area. Since she’s been with us, she’s done great work, but her name-dropping is uncontrollable. Any time I task her with something, she drops in a mention about how she did X the last time she was here. She also talks (name-drops) incessantly about which senior manager likes her cookies (she bakes), and she knows this person in X branch, etc. etc. It’s so tiresome, and it also really doesn’t matter — no one on the team cares about who you know, we just care about getting the work done.
She’s only going to be with us for the year, but in the interest of making the next 11 months manageable (and doing her a kindness for future work), I’d like to coach her on how to shift her habits in this area. Do you have any suggestions?
I’m not sure you should! This might fall under the category of “people are allowed to have annoying personalities.” It’s also possible that it will drop off as Jane starts to feel more comfortable and established on your team.
If it’s affecting her relationships with others on the team, I’d be more inclined to address it, but then you’d be focusing on the specific effects you’re seeing — like, “When someone’s explaining a project and you interject to explain who you know on the other team, it disrupts their explanation and takes us off track” or whatever specifically you’re seeing. But I suspect you’re better off just not reacting when she does it; hopefully over time she’ll see she’s not getting the impressed response she’s going for and will start feeling more secure about her place on your team.
2. Hiring a coach to teach someone not to be a jerk
I’m an executive assistant in a multinational company and in one management team meeting we were informed that an employee has accused another employee of harassment. After HR looked into it, it was agreed that it wasn’t necessarily harassment but a very serious behavioral issue with this employee, due to their personality and the way they address people. This person had been insulting the other employee on several occasions. One solution to this problem that was brought up was to get this employee a coach. Coaching sessions are quite expensive, and I don’t understand why the company needs to spend money on coaching to teach an adult how to behave in a professional environment.
What is your opinion on this? I actually brought this up, and the answer I got in the meeting was that we do it when an employee is otherwise valued and very good at their job.
It is a bit ridiculous to bring in a coach to teach someone how to behave civilly with colleagues. But yeah, if someone is extremely valued (not just “decent at their job” but unusually good) you do sometimes see companies try coaching. And sometimes it works! Some people really do have terrible interpersonal skills and do benefit from coaching on them. It’s also not wrong to say, “We don’t think we should need to teach you to act like a decent human” — but for a company that really wants to keep the person’s skills, trying some short-term coaching isn’t outrageous. That said, it needs to be short-term with clear outcomes laid out, and clear consequences if the person doesn’t change, not just a way to avoid dealing with the problem.
3. Explaining I’m giving myself meds with my phone
I just started a new job and it’s traditional in my field to go out for coffee and/or lunch with my colleagues. I enjoy this and want to do it! However, I have a medical condition that means that I need to give myself medication whenever I eat or drink most things that aren’t water. I am able to do this very conveniently using my phone, which is awesome. But when I get my coffee or sandwich, I need to give myself medicine, and I feel horribly rude fiddling with my phone without explanation. (It takes about 10 seconds to a minute, depending on how cooperative the software is being.)
Can you help me with how to casually inform my colleagues that I am going to give myself medicine with my phone — without inviting a lot of followup or giving unnecessary detail? I don’t actually want to tell my colleagues what my illness is, but I also need to take my meds.
“Sorry, I just need a few seconds to do a medical thing with my phone.”
A lot of people won’t realize “medical thing” means “giving myself meds”; they’ll think you’re confirming a prescription or responding to a doctor’s time-sensitive message or similar … and since those things are pretty boring, hopefully you won’t get many people asking about it. But if anyone does, it’s completely fine to say, “Oh, just a minor medical thing, nothing to worry about” or “Oh, just a minor medical thing; I try not to bore people with it at work.”
4. How to handle blatant discrimination in a job interview
You have written in the past about professional situations that come up in movies and TV shows. I recently started watching the show “Younger” (even though it came out years ago). In the show’s opening scene, Liza, a 40-year-old seeking to re-enter the book publishing world after being away for 15 years raising her child, is interviewing for a job at a publishing house. Her two interviewers, 20-something women, are incredibly condescending regarding all of the latest media trends she’s unaware of, and one of them nearly blurts out that Liza is too old before catching herself and claiming, implausibly, that she was going to say she was too “orange.”
The purpose of the scene is to set the table for the show by establishing that Liza will never get hired, which then leads to her claiming to be 26 at a subsequent interview and getting the job. But I couldn’t help wondering: if such a scenario took place in a real-world interview, what would you recommend the job seeker do?
On the one hand, the age discrimination was pretty blatant. On the other hand, it would be the word of two company employees against her. And what would she have to gain by suing potential employers? She would almost certainly torch any future prospects in the industry. It might be good for society in general to expose that kind of discrimination, but as is frequently the case with whistleblowing, it would very likely come at a high personal cost.
I suppose one could engage in what’s known as “putting the gun on the table.” You write a letter to the head of HR documenting what happened but don’t explicitly threaten a lawsuit, and see how they react. But as much as I hate to admit it, it’s hard not to conclude that the smartest thing for Liza to do in that situation is exactly what she did do: nothing. (To be clear, lying about her age in subsequent interviews was decidedly not the smart thing to do.)
Yes, that’s why so many (probably most) incidents of discrimination in interviews go unaddressed. People do the same calculation you did and decide it’s not in their best interests to pursue it.
Your “this is what happened” letter to the company is a middle-ground option. You can also talk to an employment lawyer to get a better sense of likely outcomes if you do pursue legal action. But … yeah.
5. Is unpaid work like this legal?
I recently started pet-sitting for a national pet-sitting company. I am a W2 employee, so this is not really gig work. However, the company is not at all transparent about pay. They pay per visit using some formula, but there is so much work required behind the scenes that is unpaid that far exceeds the stated visit time. So yesterday, for a 30-minute meet and greet, I ended up working over 2.5 hours and making $11. (This does not include driving to and from the assignment; it’s all actual work.)
Now, some of this is me being extra thorough with notes and prep, or being inefficient because I am new, but this is caring for someone’s pet, so of course I am thorough! But some of it is actually required, like entering detailed notes into their app, and helping the customer sort out some confusion caused by the office in the name of good customer service.
Is this somehow legal? The offer letter stated an hourly rate, but the language around that was a bit weaselly so maybe they covered their butts that way? It just feels exploitative to me, which bothers me a lot, as we’re all just animal lovers trying to do a genuinely great job and make some money in a terrible job market.
It’s not legal. If you’re a W2 employee (not a 1099 independent contractor), they are required by federal law to pay you for all time you spend working. That’s true even if you do more work than they require (like entering more detailed notes). They can say, “You’re taking too much time to do this work and so we’re firing you for that,” but they do need to pay you for all the time you spend on the work.
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laurajv) wrote2025-07-21 12:17 amThe Intrepid is an offer, and a threat, and eventually a lifeline, but Spock cannot be other than he is.
yourlibrarian) wrote in common_nature2025-07-18 08:06 pm
askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-18 11:07 pm
This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.
Here are the rules for the weekend posts.
Book recommendation of the week: The Bedwetter, by Sarah Silverman (Amazon, Bookshop). If you like her comedy, you’ll like this. Warning: it is crude.
If you don’t like really crude comedy, then let me suggest some hilarious but less crude books by other comics: I’m Just a Person by Tig Notaro (Amazon, Bookshop); I’d Like to Play Alone, Please by Tom Segura (Amazon, Bookshop) and You’ll Grow Out of It by Jessi Klein (Amazon, Bookshop).
* I earn a commission if you use those links.
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slacktivist_feed) wrote2025-07-18 09:18 pmkingstoken) wrote in fancake2025-07-18 02:36 pmaskamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-18 03:00 pmIt’s the Friday open thread!
The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.
* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.
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dinosaur_comics_feed) wrote2025-07-18 12:00 am| archive - contact - sexy exciting merchandise - search - about |
| ← previous | July 18th, 2025 | next |
July 18th, 2025: T-Rex is working on himself and he's trying his best!! – Ryan | ||
askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-18 04:03 amIt’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…
1. The CEO and head of HR who got caught cheating on a Jumbotron
I am dying to get your thoughts on this story that is going mega viral about a CEO and head of HR who were busted on Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert.
Apparently the other woman on the Jumbotron hiding her face and laughing is another HR professional at Astronomer. This has wayyy blown up. I would love to get your take on this!
It’s very bad. It’s already a huge problem for a married CEO to have an affair with his employee (who’s also married, although it would be a problem either way), but when the affair partner happens to be the head of HR?! How could anyone working there ever trust that the company would handle reports of sexual harassment appropriately? (Particularly if said complaints are against the CEO who’s having an affair with the head of HR…)
Moreover, the other woman shown in the video next to them is apparently the head of HR’s second-in-command, who she just promoted to that job after working with her at several other companies before this. Having another HR higher-up present is a sign of further mess, as she would have an obligation to report the relationship. Her presence and obvious awareness of their affair raises additional questions about conflict of interest in her performance of her job, too. (Update: the company has said this person in the video next to them is not the employee she was originally identified as.)
Oh, and the person the CEO is having the affair with is the only woman on their 12-person leadership team.
So, yeah, a mess, and none of them can credibly remain at the company.
2. My employees don’t want to earn raises by increasing their skills
I own a coffee shop in a rapidly growing town and have had success since starting in 2020. Prior to 2024 we had fairly high turnover, 20% per year. We only have 10-12 employees, myself included. At the beginning of 2024, we made the decision to raise pay significantly, start offering PTO, health, vision, and dental, and we have not lost a single person (unexpectedly) since!
To increase skills, I offer all employees raises if they can pass skills-based tests. If they pass all three tests, they get an almost 10% raise. Yet very few people have taken the test, and the overwhelming feedback is that “test anxiety” is too bad. The team’s attitude has become very negative and gossipy about me, as I am the only one who asks about their work and tries to instruct them on how they can improve.
I’m to the point where I feel like the best step would be to make the skills tests mandatory (after 18 months of employment) and those who would rather gossip than take relevant advice will be filtered out. However, this could very well lead to losing a lot of people which would bring back the high turnover issues we had before. What should I do?
Separate the test issue from the negativity and gossip, because they’re two different things. It only makes sense to make the test mandatory if you genuinely need people to have mastered those skills in order to stay in their jobs; if you don’t, then don’t require it. Requirements should line up with what you actually need.
Is the negativity and gossip all coming from people being annoyed that you keep coaching them on their work? And is the coaching being framed as to help them pass the test? It’s of course reasonable for managers to coach people on their work, and if you employees are bristling at that, then is it something about the way you’re doing it? Are you micromanaging? Picking the wrong time when they’re busy with something else? Being overly critical or having unrealistic standards? I don’t know, but that’s where I’d start looking, and you should ask people directly for their perspectives about that. If it’s not the way you’re coaching them and they just object to the idea of needing to get better at their jobs, then there’s a pretty serious problem with the people you’ve hired and are choosing to retain (and zero turnover is not always the right goal; sometimes you need some turnover). But start by finding out what exactly people are bothered by.
3. How can I tell colleagues their AI-generated writing is making my work harder?
I am a communications professional who does a lot of writing, mostly speeches and written messages for the president of our organization. I’m being promoted to a role that’s more focused on strategy, so some of the writing needs to come off my plate. I’ve worked with my supervisor to delegate some assignments to others across the organization. Our fundraising communications lead, for example, will write the fundraising message from the president. My problem is that writing keeps coming back to me having clearly been written by AI. I think it’s partly because the person submitting it thinks it’s good enough (it’s not), but mostly because they know it will go through me to put it into the president’s voice before it actually goes to the president — so they know I will just rewrite it if I have to.
It’s obvious that most of these deliverables are a slight rephrasing of something I’ve written in the past, with a few prompts to fit the topic of the new message, and very little editing. The classic signs of AI are all there, like overuse of buzzwords and certain sentence structures. Look, I use AI as a writing tool too, but it’s just that — a tool that can help me finesse or wordsmith, not something I ever use verbatim. Our president has a very high standard for anything with her signature attached. It has to sound like it is truly in her voice and sends an authentic message.
How can I help my colleagues understand that they need to do more than have ChatGPT spit out a draft? I’d guess the answer is to just give them really clear feedback on how the draft needs to be improved (whether or not it was AI-derived), and train them more thoroughly on presidential voice and tone. But the age of AI is making this problem a lot more rampant than it was before. I want to tell them that it’s really obvious this is an AI message, but I also don’t want to sound hypocritical because it is a part of my toolkit too. I also don’t manage any of these staff, they’re just colleagues across the org, sometimes lower than me in hierarchy but oftentimes at the same level. I can tell they use AI all the time in the work they produce in their own divisions, but when it comes from the president, the layers of approval are different and I need them to raise the standard.
First, training people to write in a specific person’s voice is hard. Unless these are professional writers, it’s a skill that the majority of people don’t have, and probably won’t develop in the time you have available to train them. So it might not be realistic to expect them to turn in copy that’s already in the president’s voice. But it’s definitely realistic to expect them to not give you slop, so focus there.
Also, you’re right that it makes sense to give really clear feedback on the specific ways the draft needs to be improved. But it’s also fine to say something like, “Can I ask whether you used AI as part of this? Some of it reading as AI to me, and we obviously never want our work to sound that way. So if that’s part of your process, it’s helpful for me to know so we can jointly figure out what will help get these closer to what we need.” (That’s more nuanced than “never use AI for these,” although that might ultimately be what you end up telling them. Approaching it this way also might make them more willing to be open about if it they did use it.)
4. Can I leave my master’s off my resume?
For reasons that are obvious, I am considering leaving the federal workforce. Jobs I’m considering require a bachelors degree and a certain number of years experience.
I have a master’s degree. Would it be bad form to leave the master’s off of job applications and resumes? Would employers be upset if they found out afterwards that I had a master’s and did not reveal this during the application process/interview? Could it lead to an adverse action if they did find out?
You can leave the master’s off your resume if you think it will make you a more competitive candidate. A resume is a marketing document designed to present your strengths, not an exhaustive listing of everything you’ve ever done. (The exception to this is if you’re filling out an application that explicitly asks for the highest level of education you’ve completed.)
That said, I wouldn’t automatically assume it will help to leave it off. In some cases it might — like if the master’s is in a totally different field and might raise questions about how committed you really are to the jobs you’re applying for now (which is BS for many reasons, but is a thing that happens) or if it’s likely to make them think they can’t afford you. But in many jobs it would be a plus or a neutral.
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askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-17 05:59 pmA reader writes:
My last remaining immediate family member recently passed away, leaving me enough of an inheritance to possibly allow me to stop working now (before retirement age) while maintaining my current standard of living. I had been saving under the assumption that I would not receive any help, and I thought retirement was still 10 years away.
My job is understaffed and the commute is long and extremely stressful. My health (mental and physical) have been in decline for a few years, due to stress from work and concern for the family member. For the past year or so, I’ve been saying that if I won the lottery, I’d retire in a heartbeat. But now that I have the means to do so, I hesitate to suddenly abandon the career I’ve worked so hard on and leave my colleagues in the lurch when we are already understaffed.
On the other hand, I can’t imagine returning to 11-hour workdays and my terrible commute while grieving and trying to settle the estate. I’m having trouble focusing and making dumb mistakes in simple things like writing the check to the funeral home, so I worry about my ability to function at work. They say you shouldn’t make major decisions immediately following a loss, but I need to make some sort of change soon — I’m scheduled to return to work Monday after time off for the funeral and I’m not going to be able to keep up.
I’m considering asking my boss if there are any options to reduce my workload to allow me to switch to part-time while I figure out next steps. But given how shorthanded we are, I don’t expect that to be realistic. I might be able to use FMLA to get a reduced schedule or time off for my heath problems. That would give me more time to make a decision, but would be worse for my colleagues because they are not likely to get additional resources to cover a temporary staffing shortage like that. Just never going back at all is very appealing, other than the guilt.
I know my organization’s terrible staffing practices are outside my control and that the resource issue is not my problem to solve, but I can’t help worrying that my coworkers (who are talented and truly nice people) will be the ones picking up the slack if I do less.
I’m looking for advice on how to approach the conversation with my boss, who is a kind and decent person (but who also needs to keep the organization running). I’d like to offer to do what I can to help out, with the recognition that I can’t manage my old full workload, and ask what my options are. Is that abdicating responsibility? Do I need to figure out exactly what I want and ask for that, or is it okay to go to my boss with general ideas and ask for her help in figuring out next steps?
You don’t need to know exactly what you want to ask for before you talk to your boss, but you’re more likely to come away with the best outcome for yourself if you do. Otherwise, if you leave it open-ended, there’s a good chance your boss will propose something that falls short of what you actually want. If she knows what your real goal is, it will be easier for her to help you, or at least to give you a realistic assessment of what they can do.
If you’d really be happy with a whole range of options (like going half-time or going three-quarters time or having the next three months off or getting your biggest annual project off your plate), then sure, you could go to her with some general ideas. But my bet is that you wouldn’t be equally happy with all of those, and so figuring out what you really want and presenting that will increase the chances of getting it, or at least something close to it.
You should also think about working less would look like in your current job. It’s not uncommon for someone to move from full-time to part-time within the same job and realize that they’re still expected to produce the same amount, just in fewer hours. So you’d want to (a) nail down exactly what part-time work and part-time results would look like, and (b) be really realistic about how that would likely play out on your team. Sometimes — not always, but sometimes — it’s easier to move to a new part-time job somewhere else rather than trying to cut down an already full-time one.
As you think this over, try to take your organization’s staffing out of your consideration. You’re not doing your team any favors if you return to your previous schedule and then start dropping balls or making mistakes, or burn out to the point that you leave without notice in a health crisis one day. Your coworkers are also able to advocate for themselves, whether that means setting limits on their own time or deciding to leave for a job that doesn’t overwork them. You don’t need to work more than you want to save them from having to do that, and few reasonable people would expect it of you.
Also, if it’s really true that guilt is the only thing preventing you from not going back at all … you don’t need to feel guilty. People leave jobs! It’s a normal thing that happens. Your organization will figure things out. I can see why you might not want to make a big decision right now in case you’re not thinking clearly, and that would be a reason to delay that choice (and so would needing to make sure you really can afford to retire) — but guilt is not. Quitting is not leaving people in the lurch. Quitting is a normal part of employment, and your coworkers will adjust.
Last, if you’re not 100% sure that your finances show you can retire now, talk with a financial planner, who can help you decide with confidence. And if you’re close to that point but not quite there, that’s definitely a situation where it would make sense to just work less; there’s no reason to work 11-hour days or anything close to it if you’re not doing it for love or money.
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askamanager_feed) wrote2025-07-17 04:29 pmHere are four updates from past letter-writers.
1. Can I ask for a raise after covering for remote coworkers for over a year? (#3 at the link; first update here)
It’s been three years since I last sent an update, I’m still working for the same organization and the same boss, yet so much has happened since then, both personally and professionally.
Not long after I wrote in to you for the second time, a member of my immediate family had a series of serious medical emergencies that resulted in some pretty scary moments over the course of the year. I was the primary caretaker, so ironically, I was the one now working remotely quite a bit during this time to deal with it all.
While I made every effort to be on top of my work and to not overwhelm those in office, my boss and colleagues could not have been more supportive and willing to help with anything I needed. My boss constantly checked in because she didn’t want me overworked or overwhelmed and we had many conversations on what I needed. They gave me the flexibility to do my work yet focus on being there for my loved ones and make some challenging decisions. I cannot express how much easier this made my life when I wasn’t at 100%. It really goes to show how much that flexibility and support for everyone in the workplace is needed and how it can benefit everyone no matter where you are in life or what your situation is. (I’m so fortunate to say that after many months my family member is now doing much better.)
Over the last couple of years I also received additional raises, really wonderful reviews from my boss, and additional promotions. This all culminated with me being awarded an industry recognition last month, one that my boss nominated me for along with other higher-ups in our organization. I was and am still in shock! I’ve never had my work recognized to this degree before, so this is new and very humbling for me.
Don’t get me wrong, my job, boss, and company are far from perfect! But I realize how extremely lucky I am to have a reasonable, supportive boss and coworkers and flexibility in my job, especially when so many are facing challenges in the job market today. I’m grateful for that and for Alison’s advice to keep speaking up to let people know what you need. Here’s to positive updates for everyone here for current and future jobs!
2. I’m having second thoughts about the new job I’ve already accepted (#2 at the link)
Thank you so much for your advice, which was to dig a bit deeper into why I didn’t want the new job to see whether these are valid reasons or just fear of change. It was very helpful as a framework, as were the very kind commenters.
Did I take the advice? … not as much as I should have. I never did get to the bottom of what was bothering me about the new job, and I am now just over a week into it, not really vibing with it, and still none-the-wiser as to WHY. It has been a little in-at-the-deep-end in a busy period and I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed, although trying to maintain some good initial boundaries. The people are for the most part very pleasant, although the culture is very different from that which I am used to. The work itself is very different from that of my former role in terms of substance, which I was expecting to some extent, and in approach and external partnerships, which I was not (although probably should have), and these differences are quite challenging. I don’t know whether it would have been better had I come in feeling more confident and optimistic about the move; I’m trying to lean into it now. One thing I was very worried about was missing my team and my manager, which I do — but I’m still in a lot of contact with my former manager and we’re meeting for drinks next week to discuss and debrief; I met my former teammate last week, and my former team still include me on current affairs gossip (to some extent), so it doesn’t feel like a complete break.
Commenter advice I took: talk with others/write down pros and cons lists. I talked to SO many people, all with differing perspectives and advice. I think on balance it was helpful — not necessarily for the advice, but just to talk about it. Commenter advice I should have taken: take some leave. I was burning out on work and on decision angst and had I taken a week or so off in January I think I would have been able to think more clearly. A lesson for the future!
3. I reported a manager, who’s now trashing me whenever my name comes up
My employer settled with me for a significant monetary amount (think a large portion of my annual salary). It’s not clear whether the responsible managers will face any consequences, but that’s not something I’d necessarily know.
This settlement would not have occurred without the benefit of extensive documentation on my end. Some of the most damning pieces of evidence turned out to be my requests to management to deal with the situation, and their responses to those requests, which ranged from unhelpful to illegal. I don’t know that I’d have had the confidence to make those requests if it had not been for the encouragement from both you and the comment section.
I also did ultimately retain an employment lawyer, who was a tremendous asset in both confirming the strength of my position and explaining the complexities of relevant laws. I was fortunate that I was able to access one – I know that’s not possible for everyone. But, it made a difference and is worth doing for those who find themselves in similar situations and are able to do so.
This was a terrible experience that I would not wish upon anyone. I’d rather have the last year of my life back than any amount of money.
4. Am I a bad employee? (#2 at the link)
Whew, my letter was written a whole pandemic ago.
Well … lots has changed in these few years: most notably that all of the admin team that considered me as “satisfactory” versus “outstanding” has moved on. For my next two evaluations I told my new administrators that I was not filling out volumes of self-reflection or explanations and told them why. Showing just how subjective the county’s evaluation system was and is, these admins still gave me several “outstandings” when I specifically said I didn’t want them. I was really surprised as I hadn’t filled out the paperwork to get them. They did! Twice! Funny too that they are so new to our building that they aren’t even aware that of the various projects I have worked on over the years (like creating a building schedule for 1000 students).
Your advice was right, Alison, as all those extras did burnish my resume and reputation over the years. At the mid-point of my career I changed schools and was considered a top candidate. I’m glad that I worked hard for 20 plus years and still understand a lot of what goes on in running a school. I’ve enjoyed mentoring new teachers and student teachers and get my real appreciation when I visit with them. It was time to slow down and maybe I should’ve done it sooner. I am still a “go to” person when my colleagues have a question or concern about something. Still, saying no has been a positive game changer.
Now for the best news: I’m going to retire this year! I’ve put in my time and am ready to go. Financially it makes sense and I’m happy that my evaluation bitterness is long behind me. I truly chuckle about it these days and the then-principal now admits she was too much of a rule follower and should have done some things differently. I’m glad for my career choices and still like my school and appreciate the new leadership there. I hope to come back and substitute for extra spending money. I try to tell new teachers (there are two in my family now) to unplug on nights and weekends, consider doing ONE extra (unless there’s pay involved) and try to focus on teaching and learning. Thanks!
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