Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/people-dont-like-my-face-in-the-morning-waiting-for-a-new-boss-to-turn-things-around-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31786

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager said people don’t like my face in the morning

During a 1:1 with my supervisor, she said something that did not sit well with me. Before saying it, she looked away and told me she couldn’t look at me because it was stupid. Finally, she said that I need to work on being less bitchy when I come in. This threw me off completely, as I’m never bitchy when I walk in. So I asked what she meant. She said it’s not my attitude. It’s my FACE. My face is what other staff members find issue with.

I was beyond confused, so I asked her what that even means. She said that the look on my face when I come in is the equivalent to resting bitch face. This bothers people. So they decided to make a point to mention this to her, and rather than tell them no, she thought it was okay to bring to my attention. Should I bring this to upper management, as it strikes me as horribly unprofessional for my supervisor to say?

If she thought it was so stupid, she could have exercised some independent judgment as your manager and not brought it to you. By sharing it with you, she’s indicating that she thinks it’s something you need to act on. It’s a hallmark of a bad manager to pass along feedback they don’t stand by (unless it’s to say, “I don’t agree with this, but you should be aware it’s come up because of Political Reason X”).

But is there any chance there’s more to it than just your face and she’s just communicating badly? For example, if the culture in your office is to greet people when you pass them in the morning and you’re not doing that, or if you seem like there’s a storm cloud over you until you’re settled with coffee, it’s possible that’s behind it. But if it’s really just your face and nothing else, this is BS.

Either way, you could back to her and say, “I thought about what you said about my face when I arrive in the morning, and I’m not sure how to act on that. My face is just my face — I’m not glaring at people or giving dirty looks — but I’ll make more of a point of saying good morning to people and hopefully that will solve it. Is your sense that there’s something else specific I should be doing?” That last part isn’t there to imply you’re willing to have a face transplant, but to hopefully make her realize that so far what she’s said hasn’t been actionable at all.

2. What’s a reasonable amount of info to expect from a college student seeking an internship?

I’m the point person for internships for my healthcare-adjacent organization. The vast majority of those are masters-level graduate students, and those internship requirements are pretty heavily regulated by the schools and by state law. When someone writes to me asking if we have any opening for graduate-level internships, I know pretty immediately what would be required in terms of the type of work the intern would be doing and the amount and type of oversight that would be required.

I occasionally get emails from undergrads asking about internships. We do not have any sort of formal undergrad internship programs. I would like to encourage people to get into this field (especially since we’re facing a national shortage). However, any interns would not be working with me directly, and so I have to sell the internship, basically, to any of my peers who might be willing to oversee an intern. I can help with some of the supervision, but most of it would fall on other managers.

None of the students who write in on their own can give me any details or direction about what they need or want from an internship. When I ask, I get a lot of “Anything would be fine,” or “Anything in your field.” We are extremely understaffed, I have a hard time getting any managers to agree to even the very structured internships because of the amount of time the supervision and training would entail. I’m frustrated by the undergrad inquiries and I find myself thinking, “If you can’t even give me the number of hours you want to or need to complete, the timeline you desire, and some sense of what you want to accomplish, and any restrictions or requirements from your school, you are likely going to require way more hand-holding than we can do.”

Am I holding undergrads to an unrealistic standard? If they could provide me with more details, I’d at least be willing to try to see if I could find them something. I’m not sure how much hand-holding or back and forth I should be doing, and if my assumption that my needing to do that is a red flag or if it’s just what I should be expecting from undergrads.

I don’t think it’s a red flag; by definition the undergrad students have less experience in the work world (and are probably getting less guidance from their programs) than the graduate students who approach you.

In your first contact, try spelling out very clearly what you need from them. For example: “We don’t have a formal internship program for undergrads, but we’re open to creating internships under the right circumstances. Please respond with the following information: the number of hours you would like to complete (this can be a range), the starting and ending dates you’re seeking, any requirements from your school, and an idea of specifically what you would be seeking to accomplish during the internship. Please note: we need all of this information in order to move forward, and cannot consider applications without it.”

If you spell it out that clearly and they don’t come back with the answers you asked for, don’t put more energy into it. But try spelling it out first.

3. How long should I wait for a new manager to turn things around?

I have been working in the IT department of a company for a little over 1.5 years. We have always struggled with understaffing, but it feels it has gotten worse over the last few months. My new manager started a few months after I did and we have worked together to make some great projects happen, but the workload of the department has skyrocketed without staffing keeping pace. I have been pointing this out for over a year. Unfortunately, things move slowly and while he has been fighting to get more staff approved, it has not happened fast enough, never mind that even if/when it’s approved, it takes forever to fill the slot and train someone.

I am approaching burnout quickly. I like my projects, I like my team for the most part and I like the money and the freedoms I have, so I would hate to quit. What is a reasonable amount of time to wait for new management to implement changes before throwing in the towel?

Over a year is a long time to wait, particularly when you say you’re quickly approaching burn-out and there are no real signs of impending change. Why not start looking now? Since you otherwise like your job, you can be picky and don’t need to jump at the first thing that comes along, but getting options in the mix will give you a lot more control in the situation.

4. I was asked to sign an NDA before talking about a job

I recently was reached out to by a CEO of a company that I had previously done some consulting for. It had been over a year since I had talked to them and they wanted to set up a meeting to reconnect. Since we last talked, I began working full-time again and no longer consult. I was open to connecting and could at least forward their questions to other industry contacts.

When we connected, they mentioned they liked working with me and wanted to talk about a vague high-level position and the networking call turned into an unplanned hour-long group interview without any chance for preparation on my side. The company provided no details about the level of the position or what it would require.

Before the company provides a job title or description, they need me to sign a NDA. Since they reached out to me to recruit me and are not providing even the basic details, this is a big red flag to me. What is your wisdom on this?

I don’t think it’s a particular red flag. If you’re open to hearing them out and don’t object to the terms of the NDA, sign it and see what they have to say. It doesn’t obligate you to continue beyond that. If you’re not that interested, let them know you’re not currently looking for work and leave it there! The fact that they reached out to you rather than the other way around isn’t really a factor in navigating it (and doesn’t make their request appreciably weirder).

5. What’s the deal with recruiters?

I see people talk about “recruiters” all the time, but I don’t really have an understanding of what that is. What industries use recruiters, and at what levels? Are they qualified to do things like mapping one’s skills and experience onto jobs, or is that more of a job coach thing? When someone has a resume of things but is open to switching sectors/industries, do they call a recruiter for help?

I have this image of someone in tech getting headhunted, but it seems like “recruiter” can mean a wide variety of things.

Lots of different industries use recruiters; in fact, I’m not sure there’s an industry that never uses them, particularly at more senior levels, although they’re definitely more common in some (like tech) than others.

The big thing to know is that recruiters work for employers, not job seekers. Employers hire them to fill jobs, and then they seek out candidates for those specific positions. They mostly don’t do things like helping you figure out what your skills and experience might qualify you for (unless they look at your resume and realize you’d be a great fit for something they happen to be hiring for). That’s more of a job coach thing.

The post people don’t like my face in the morning, waiting for a new boss to turn things around, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/people-dont-like-my-face-in-the-morning-waiting-for-a-new-boss-to-turn-things-around-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31786

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/i-was-hired-to-replace-someone-who-wont-retire-is-it-unethical-to-give-negative-answers-after-agreeing-to-be-a-reference-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31724

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I was hired to replace someone who won’t retire

In January, I started a job as the financial controller for a small organization. I was excited for the responsibility because I would be taking over for the retiring controller.

It’s nearly July, I’m doing all the work, but he still has not retired. I’ve gotten all good feedback, but we disagree often, so it’s becoming harder to be patient and keep doing things his way, not mine. He now plans to retire but then stay on for several months in a “limited capacity,” maintaining account access and authorities. The president knows of some of my frustration and our differing approaches, but the he doesn’t like to contradict the controller.

I’m the third person they have had in this role in less than two years (he’s been trying to retire for a while), and they (of course) wanted someone for the long term. But ultimately the job is too easy, there is little to no opportunity to grow my skills, and I’m not aligned with many of the president’s decisions, including his handling of this transition. I plan to lay low until I find something else. Any advice?

Yeah, assume that guy isn’t retiring any time soon. I’d say that even without the history of the two hires before you — but you’re the third person who’s been hired to replace him and he didn’t manage to leave for any of them. For whatever reason, he’s not going anywhere and the company isn’t pushing to fulfill their promises to you.

I suppose if you want to give it one clear shot, you could talk to the president and lay out your concerns — “I’m the third person who’s been brought in to replace him, it’s been six months and he’s not making any moves to leave, and I’m not able to do the job I was hired for. This is not sustainable, and I need a clear timeline on fully transitioning me into the role I came on to do.” But I’d be pretty skeptical until/unless you see it happen.

Related:
I was hired to run a department — but the old boss is still there, 10 months later

2. Responding when someone needs to cancel a meeting because of war

I work in a large public institution that employs many international professionals, a large percentage of whom are from an area that’s currently at war. So far this year I’ve had to cancel multiple meetings because my colleagues’ families were being bombed in their home countries, and with everything going on I know this is not likely to stop. How on earth does one write an email that is appropriate for work and reflects that we are not close, but conveys my sorrow that they are dealing with this? I do a fair amount of activism surrounding the injustice of the violence their families are enduring outside of work, and I know they are facing an incredible amount of discrimination on top of everything, partially from our organization. I’d really like them to know that my team supports them and wants to accommodate them as they prioritize and focus on their family’s safety, without sobbing into the void every time I get the email asking to cancel. This sucks.

Express empathy and say that you understand and hope their families are safe. For example, if someone explains they have to cancel a meeting because of what’s happening, you can reply: “Of course, please take all the time you need. We understand the situation and are here when you are ready, and I hope your family is safe.” Depending on the context, you could also ask if you can take any work off their plate.

3. Is it unethical to give negative answers after agreeing to be a reference?

Last month a college housemate of mine, Blake, reached out asking for our former landlord’s contact information to use in a job application that apparently required extensive past housing references. I gave him this information but pointed out that as I was the head tenant of this house — in charge of subletting out individual rooms — the landlord never knew anybody living there beyond myself. Blake asked to put my information down instead, which I agreed to.

The other day I received an email from the job Blake applied for, which turns out to be law enforcement-related and asked more detailed questions relating to Blake’s character than I expected for a housing reference to be asked. Many I could answer positively or at least neutrally, but a few gave me pause, such as, “Would you trust this candidate with the safety of yourself or others?” and “how does this candidate react in stressful situations?” and “do you think this candidate would be equipped to handle duties relating to protection of the public?”

During the time I lived with Blake, we had a problem housemate who I had to kick out of the house due to her combativeness and refusal to pay rent after moving in. The night after she was given notice, she ambushed me with several of her friends while I was home alone and had two of the men corner me in the living room and intimidate me into saying she could stay. During this confrontation, Blake arrived home, took a look at us in the living room, and retreated to his room without a word. He did not come out again until hours after I’d finally gotten the “attack dogs” to leave.

This incident is now almost eight years in the past, but I’m finding it hard to speak even neutrally about Blake’s character when it comes to these areas. I asked one friend what she would do, and her opinion is that since I agreed to be a reference, it would be unethical to undermine his chances of getting the job by responding negatively. I’ve also never been in the position to give someone a negative reference and don’t know if it’s considered unprofessional to bring long-past personal drama into my answers. What would be the right thing to do here?

Your friend is wrong. You agreed to be, essentially, a landlord reference, which normally means confirming the person paid on time and didn’t destroy the house. You had no idea you were being asked to be a character reference and to comment on the things you ended up being asked. Moreover, the stakes are extremely high for public safety jobs; under no circumstances should you shade the truth or speak more positively about a candidate for law enforcement than you actually feel. (For that matter, I’d argue the same is true for regular job references too; good references are nuanced, not just glowing across the board, and you could agree to give someone a generally positive reference and still end up being asked a question that you didn’t have a super positive answer to.)

Now, all that said, I’m not sure how significant the incident you recounted with Blake really is. When he came home, was it clear you were being intimidated and didn’t feel safe? Or could he have had no idea what was going on? If it’s the latter, I don’t think it’s really relevant to the reference. If it’s the former, it still might not be that relevant eight years later — but you’re being asked to share what you knew back when you lived with him, so in that case it would be appropriate to share that experience and let them sort out what it should mean.

4. What’s the point of setting goals for my job?

I feel like I’m completely out of touch with corporate reality. I have worked in IT and IT adjacent positions for over 20 years. My only real goal has been to do my job well enough that others are happy with my performance. I don’t want a promotion. I don’t particularly want more responsibility. But every year, I’m asked to come up with goals and asked to align them with whatever the latest corporate-speak is.

What am I missing here? My current job isn’t going to change much — I support an existing system, I get my project work done on time, I’m responsive to any tickets I receive, I help others if I can. I’m not in a position to move anything forward or get new clients or anything like that. So what should I write?

Your goals should be about what you’ll achieve over a defined period of time (in this case, it sounds like a year). What would successful performance look like during that period? If you imagine you’re at the end of the year and you’re looking back on how the year went, what metrics or outcomes would indicate to you and your manager that you did your job well? For some jobs, those goals will be more or less the same every year — which for work like yours might be things like “tickets are answered as completely and accurately as possible within X hours for urgent tickets and within X hours for high priority tickets,” “all staff feel comfortable using our software and systems to do their jobs effectively,” “no employee will ever lose more than X hours of productive work time due to technology difficulties,” etc. — i.e., descriptions of what doing your job well (as opposed to doing it at a middling or poor level) looks like.

The post I was hired to replace someone who won’t retire, is it unethical to give negative answers after agreeing to be a reference, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/06/i-was-hired-to-replace-someone-who-wont-retire-is-it-unethical-to-give-negative-answers-after-agreeing-to-be-a-reference-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31724